It’s a nutrition chart the doc hands me, a stapled mass of copied pages with information from, I’m guessing, 1965. The chart rates foods by their levels of oxalates and ash and calcium and sodium. The ratings are from high to low. The doc writes another prescription for a diuretic, shakes my hand and says, “Okay, you’re all set.” And that is the story. No appointment with a nutritionist. No why or how or search for an underlying cause. Just a handshake and a handout.
You see, I finally peed out a stone. Yep. I was at the toilet and I felt this odd muscle contraction in my dick followed by a clink sound in the toilet bowl. I look down through the only mildly yellow water (I drink tons now, remember, so like a good scientologist, my pee is clear) and a small dark, spiky speck stares back up at me. I just reach down through my foulness and pluck it right up. I don’t care. I’ve been through too much to worry about some piss on my skin. Oh boy, it’s crazy. It is black!?! This tiny object that caused me so much pain and trouble and money looks like a minute mace. It is barbed all over its surface, jagged, it IS a weapon and my body created it which must mean I am officially an organic arms manufacturer. I can’t believe this medieval torture device issued forth from my johnson. Or I can believe it given the immense PAIN I experienced because of its month long interrogation of my ureter. But was I vengeful? Was I ruthless? No. I wrapped it gently in a paper towel and put it in a small tupperware container and took it down to the doctor’s office so they could pulverize the son of a bitch and discover what made it tick. And that’s how I got the list of foods…
I came in two weeks after the pulverizing and the doc had the results up on his computer screen. Your stone is an oxalate stone, very common and you also have hypercalcemia which means you have too much calcium in your urine/blood. And then handout, prescription, handshake and out the door.
I don’t know what to do. If I follow this list I will essentially be eating lettuce and air. I’m standing in the parking garage running through the foods, trying my damndest to make sense of the information I’m seeing and I realize, well, that’s it, I am now officially vegan. Well, thank God my hair is already long and I’m pretty slim so at least I can look the part! I don’t like to be told what to do. Are you getting that yet? And this is a HAVE to. Even worse!! That stone may have been only 4mm but right now it is the asteroid size proverbial stone on my LIFE. I’m behind the wheel of the car grinding my teeth. I’m trying to figure out how I can get out from under this one. I’ll be goddamned if these kidneys beat me. Stay tuned….